Monday, August 28, 2006
(under construction)
Please excuse my mess......I am busy copy-paste-editing old blogs from various other unworthy sites. In the meantime, enjoy my latest musings on losing weight and gaining a life.
The difference a single phrase can make
This past weekend I went to Vegas with my boyfriend of 5 months. He is also very interested in health and fitness, and our lifestyles mesh quite well. We were lying out by the pool (in the shade, of course) and being pretty snarkey about America’s Expanding Waistline, which was on parade for us in the form of drunken, half-naked casino-goers.
I mentioned that I was worried about how I would look in the future – thinking about collagen, cellulite, crap like that – and he responded, "Well honey, I’ll just withhold [certain things that I like him to do] unless you go to the gym."
He may as well have slapped me in the face.
I was silent for awhile thinking through my emotions. I was one pissed girl. He was innocently reading a magazine and aware of none of this. My chest was practically heaving. He never knew me when I was overweight. Was he worried I would gain my weight back? Did he scrutinize what I ate (especially that weekend OMG)?
After a trip to the ladies’ room to be alone for awhile, I decided to confront him. “Getting fat again was the last thing on my mind. I was worried about things like cellulite on my thighs and my skin still looking nice and collagen breaking down. And you automatically assume I’m talking about getting fat.”
Of course I took him by surprise. He responded that he was very sorry, he had just assumed I was talking about my weight, and to remember that he is a dumb male when it comes to these things. “Are you worried I will gain my weight back?” No, he said. “And why not?” I needed to hear him say that he didn’t think it would happen. But he said something even better. “Because I don’t care, honey.”
I was still very upset, and not sure why. Why was I so sensitive? Was it the stupid tit-for-tat joke? No, I would make off-hand comments like that as well. I sat there thinking for awhile, then went back to the hotel room to shower and be alone. I was starting to realize why I was upset, and it wasn’t why he thought. He was in the room by the time I finished and asked me to come sit down so we could talk. He began to say something and I stopped him. I had a few things to explain. I had two important realizations:
1. Of course he thought I was talking about my weight. That’s the main thing I EVER talk about. He hears about calories in, calories out, crap on CK that pisses me off, crap on CK that hurts my feelings, and how I’m trying to figure out for myself how to make all of this work. I started to wonder how often I talk about anything else. I was using him as my dumping ground, and that is NOT how I want him to be in my life.
2. Of course weight will be the main issue I will face as I age. It’s the main issue now. It’s always been the main issue. I was concerned about wrinkles and collagen and cellulite and other things that I have less control over (outside of SPF and clean living, of course). In reality I should be concerned with the ONE thing that I have been struggling with my entire life…..and lucky for me, I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS ONE THING.
Gaining my weight back is not an option. Going back to an unhealthy, sedentary, inactive, unhappy, low confidence, low energy, insecure, food-centric lifestyle is not an option. And perhaps most importantly, letting my personal battles destroy my chance at a wonderful relationship is not an option either.
I thanked him for how much he supports me. I told him that he is not my dumping ground, and I will not use him as such. I explained that it is taking my brain much longer to change than my body. I have been ignoring some of the internal work I need to do. Leaving CK was a good first step. I need to figure out how to make lifestyle changes for the long run that enhance rather than disrupt the rest of my life. I promised him and myself that I will work on this.
So what’s my plan?
1 – No more calorie counting. I am consumed with numbers (pun intended). I stare at them at night to see how I can work a little more in. Did I get everything right? Don’t forget to add that extra dog walk!! If I am feeling satisfied but see that I only ate 1000 cal, I figure I must need to eat more and do so. If I’m ravenous and see that I’m already at 1600, I’ll eat more and beat myself up for it, even if I really did need more.
Enough. I can’t do it forever. I don’t want to do it forever. Instead I am keeping track of portions. If the weight doesn’t continue to drop, I’ll change my portions. The eventual goal is to eat like a normal, healthy person who listens to her body.
2 – Exercise 6-7 times a week. I’ve been doing this for a month, and it is the best change I’ve ever made. This is what I need. I accept it. I can make it happen. I understand that my brain and body exhibit the Law of Inertia in all its splendor:
“An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion……unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”
Newton’s First Law is now my own. He was one smart cookie, that Newton. I am working on identifying my “unbalanced forces.”
2 – Blog it out. I need to get emotions and ideas out. It helps me think through things. I need to do this so I can lessen the burden on those around me, although I will of course still share with them. They are not my emotional dumping ground.
3 – Calm down. This is not a race. I have been so worried about looking nice for an upcoming trip to Hawaii that I have done more harm than good. I look nice now. Bikini-ready, no, but definitely tankini-ready.
4 – Appreciate how far I’ve come. The only thing that is the same in my life between now and one year ago is my little grey dog and my crappy job. 25 lbs gone. Drunk ex husband gone. Co-dependency gone. Self-loathing gone. And I’m working on making the crappy job gone in the next year.
Yep, life’s hard. But as Momma says, ya done good, girl. :)
I mentioned that I was worried about how I would look in the future – thinking about collagen, cellulite, crap like that – and he responded, "Well honey, I’ll just withhold [certain things that I like him to do] unless you go to the gym."
He may as well have slapped me in the face.
I was silent for awhile thinking through my emotions. I was one pissed girl. He was innocently reading a magazine and aware of none of this. My chest was practically heaving. He never knew me when I was overweight. Was he worried I would gain my weight back? Did he scrutinize what I ate (especially that weekend OMG)?
After a trip to the ladies’ room to be alone for awhile, I decided to confront him. “Getting fat again was the last thing on my mind. I was worried about things like cellulite on my thighs and my skin still looking nice and collagen breaking down. And you automatically assume I’m talking about getting fat.”
Of course I took him by surprise. He responded that he was very sorry, he had just assumed I was talking about my weight, and to remember that he is a dumb male when it comes to these things. “Are you worried I will gain my weight back?” No, he said. “And why not?” I needed to hear him say that he didn’t think it would happen. But he said something even better. “Because I don’t care, honey.”
I was still very upset, and not sure why. Why was I so sensitive? Was it the stupid tit-for-tat joke? No, I would make off-hand comments like that as well. I sat there thinking for awhile, then went back to the hotel room to shower and be alone. I was starting to realize why I was upset, and it wasn’t why he thought. He was in the room by the time I finished and asked me to come sit down so we could talk. He began to say something and I stopped him. I had a few things to explain. I had two important realizations:
1. Of course he thought I was talking about my weight. That’s the main thing I EVER talk about. He hears about calories in, calories out, crap on CK that pisses me off, crap on CK that hurts my feelings, and how I’m trying to figure out for myself how to make all of this work. I started to wonder how often I talk about anything else. I was using him as my dumping ground, and that is NOT how I want him to be in my life.
2. Of course weight will be the main issue I will face as I age. It’s the main issue now. It’s always been the main issue. I was concerned about wrinkles and collagen and cellulite and other things that I have less control over (outside of SPF and clean living, of course). In reality I should be concerned with the ONE thing that I have been struggling with my entire life…..and lucky for me, I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS ONE THING.
Gaining my weight back is not an option. Going back to an unhealthy, sedentary, inactive, unhappy, low confidence, low energy, insecure, food-centric lifestyle is not an option. And perhaps most importantly, letting my personal battles destroy my chance at a wonderful relationship is not an option either.
I thanked him for how much he supports me. I told him that he is not my dumping ground, and I will not use him as such. I explained that it is taking my brain much longer to change than my body. I have been ignoring some of the internal work I need to do. Leaving CK was a good first step. I need to figure out how to make lifestyle changes for the long run that enhance rather than disrupt the rest of my life. I promised him and myself that I will work on this.
So what’s my plan?
1 – No more calorie counting. I am consumed with numbers (pun intended). I stare at them at night to see how I can work a little more in. Did I get everything right? Don’t forget to add that extra dog walk!! If I am feeling satisfied but see that I only ate 1000 cal, I figure I must need to eat more and do so. If I’m ravenous and see that I’m already at 1600, I’ll eat more and beat myself up for it, even if I really did need more.
Enough. I can’t do it forever. I don’t want to do it forever. Instead I am keeping track of portions. If the weight doesn’t continue to drop, I’ll change my portions. The eventual goal is to eat like a normal, healthy person who listens to her body.
2 – Exercise 6-7 times a week. I’ve been doing this for a month, and it is the best change I’ve ever made. This is what I need. I accept it. I can make it happen. I understand that my brain and body exhibit the Law of Inertia in all its splendor:
“An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion……unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”
Newton’s First Law is now my own. He was one smart cookie, that Newton. I am working on identifying my “unbalanced forces.”
2 – Blog it out. I need to get emotions and ideas out. It helps me think through things. I need to do this so I can lessen the burden on those around me, although I will of course still share with them. They are not my emotional dumping ground.
3 – Calm down. This is not a race. I have been so worried about looking nice for an upcoming trip to Hawaii that I have done more harm than good. I look nice now. Bikini-ready, no, but definitely tankini-ready.
4 – Appreciate how far I’ve come. The only thing that is the same in my life between now and one year ago is my little grey dog and my crappy job. 25 lbs gone. Drunk ex husband gone. Co-dependency gone. Self-loathing gone. And I’m working on making the crappy job gone in the next year.
Yep, life’s hard. But as Momma says, ya done good, girl. :)
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